Someone asked not too long ago what it was that I am searching for in this life. I am searching for what we are all searching for; peace, connectivity, love. Have I found it? Occasionally. Have I found it more than any other? No. If there is anything ‘special’ I have been given in this life, it is the accumulation of my ancestry, for which I can take no credit for, the opportunity to distinguish between being a victim or being enlightened, a glimpse into the ‘why’ of my existence and gifts to communicate. Why do I communicate what I continue to study and learn? To share in the hope that what I experience will resonate and provide all of us with the same opportunity.
We are all teachers and students. We are all searching. I do not claim that what I share is ‘better’ than anyone else’s lessons in life, nor do I claim to have answers. I have only questions and the ongoing challenge of staying present in my life. Have I accomplished this ‘more’ than others? No. All things are relative. Fear, pain, loss are all relative and as such are as real and potentially devastating in their own context no matter to whom they happen or what they are. What happens to each of us, no matter how traumatic have within their ocurrance the opportunity to further our enlightenment and our experience of love. This is what I understand and what I try to accomplish.
Imagine my thoughts written by another who came into the public eye not as an adored character in a t.v. show and not as a celebrity whose travails in life were therefore so visible. Would there be any inkling and resonance of truth in what I share if you didn’t have the preconception of knowing or believing ‘who’ I was? Perhaps this is an unrealistic expectation, celebrity by it’s very nature cuts both ways.
We celebrate another human being in his or her shared humanity with us while we elevate them to the fantastical myth that they can overcome our fear of helplessness/death that is our universal condition. We need to do this because of our own fear of helplessness and our need to create or recognize ‘immortality,’ or godliness in another human being so that we can experience it in ourselves. “We create our Gods in order to eat them.” I have made this comment many times and it is often and unfortunately misinterpreted. However, this is one way in which we as humans try to experience the ‘god’ in all of us. It isn’t the only way. We seek love. We seek peace and one-ness. We seek that defining moment of the ‘now’ in acts of danger, engaging our own fear in trying to attain what is perceived as unattainable.
We also have the curse of ego/vanity which has us experience the lose/lose proposition that our own fear/pain is either worse than anyone else’s, or not as great. We respond to the journey’s of others that have experienced great loss and its inherent challenge with a combination of morbid curiosity and abbhorrance, comparing our lives to theirs, and an outpouring of compassion and wonderment that those others can carry on at all. We elevate and celebrate them as a reminder that we, as humans can prevail in the face of our mortality.
Yet, we all have the same struggle with the same issue. What causes us to experience our helplessness can be as varied as being caught in a traffic jam to losing someone we love. However, it’s the same experience of helplessness, though different in degree, and it is the same button that gets pushed in all of us. Who’s to say that a person having a panic attack is any more or less petrified than someone who has lost the use of their body? At that moment, its all relative. The lesson is the same though the degree may be different. The experience of fear, not judged, is equal to the opportunity.
Is a part of me afraid to die? Absolutely. Has a part of me glimpsed the communion with peace and one-ness in the act of dying, of letting go of my fear? Yes. Do I long to become so present in my life that I will in some part experience my dying as the Tibetan Masters purportedly do; with a greater witness and a sense of journeying into a greater whole? Yes. Is that what I practice and seek to practice? Yes. Does that differ from any other human being’s journey? No. Do I know any more than any other about this experience? No. Appearances are as deceiving as our minds. I am just like you. My search is imperfect though my intention pure.
So, while it may seem impossible to separate yourself from your childhood perception/fantasy of ‘Starsky,’ please believe that you can witness that very phenomenon when it is at work in you, witness the feelings both good and bad that come up, and make the distinction between those feelings and who you are right now. Read what I share, when I have something to share not in terms of someone with an answer, but rather of someone with a rag and a dirty window that they’re trying to clean for a better view.
I was encouraged to create a blog by Ms Meserve as a way to connect and share my thoughts, something of me.It cannot be a matter of frequency. I’m sorry. We each find different ways and different times to share the experience of our existence. I’ve done it as an actor and as a director. Now I’ve written a book and shall most likely continue in that vein. I am not a particularly good correspondent nor am I by nature chatty. I am moved to write when I am moved to write. No more, no less. Please try not to connect my frequency of writing this blog with whatever value may be found in what I share that I see through my window.
On the book front: We are at present printing an 11X14 ‘Manuscript Edition’ which will be used for marketing and possibly for sale. The 9×6 ‘for sale’ version will be out in Febuary, followed by a ‘coffee table’ version and then a graphic novel. It is a long process which requires a lot of patience, however we are doing everything we can to make sure that we do as good a job as possible. I think that those of you that are waiting to read ‘Chrystallia…’ will be pleased.
Lastly, I want to share my gratification that this blog has created what seems to be a valuable dialogue amongst its participants.